Nowell's Advice Column

 Climb upon my couch and tell me all your troubles. I'm the kind hearted queer with the listening ear. No problem too small, or too large, believe me, size is of NO importance, as I keep telling my own dear love. Advice, comfort, hugs? I'm your man.

Nowell Cowardice, agony queen to the discipline scene

This week we'll be dealing with Fetish Fears. Fear not dear people, you can trust me. Talk away...

Dear Nowell,

For years now I’ve been battling with unnatural desires. Lately however, I have been finding it harder and harder to keep myself under control. Just walking past the fresh fish counter in Tesco gives me an erection and I have an overwhelming urge to disrobe and do something perverse with the sardines, and they’re so small and helpless looking. Please, for God’s sake, what’s wrong with me?

Frightened, Freddy

Fear not Freddy, fishy, fishy Freddy,

What you have is a fish fetish, Freddy, it’s quite natural, as are all fetishes, don’t be afraid of unbalancing the scales if you give in to it. In fact I recommend you surrender yourself to it, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Somewhere out there is a sardine of legal age that has been waiting for you all its fishy life. Find it Freddy, find it and embrace it and love it and you’ll feel so much better. You are not alone in being a fish fetishist (I think I said that right) I knew a man who had a thing for oysters. For him they were more than an aphrodisiac, they were his friends, lovers; there was no one like him for bringing an oyster out of its shell. In fact he could bring a dozen out in under a minute and spit any pearls out of his mouth, which was pretty amazing when you considered the route they had travelled. What I’m saying Freddy, is that he wasn’t afraid to suck or blow and neither must you be. Freddy, darling, I implore you, kiss the fish, before it’s too late.

Kisses, N.


Dear no eyebrows of London,

Put bluntly your joint fetishes of ‘pumping’ and ‘golden showering’ just don’t mix, especially if the hoover is plugged in. Next time you might not be so lucky and the resulting explosion will blow off more than your eyebrows. Is a huge orgasm really worth that? You were also fortunate that no one else was in the office at the time. Fetishes are natural, but best practised safely at home with consenting and like-minded people rather than non-consenting electrical appliances. There’s an old and wise saying that you’d do well to heed:
never piss into the hoover hose while it’s sucking dust from your lower stairs.

Yours Toppishly,